7 Polyps on Colon Wall — Cut ‘Em Down; Back on Town

Devil be damned!    —      The World Health Organization says as many as 25 percent of cancers worldwide may be attributable to alcohol consumption.  (https://www.stopcoloncancernow.com/news/april-2018/alcohol-increases-risk-of-colon-polyps-colon-cancer)

By Dan Bodine

Doctor cut seven polyps from my colon Wednesday in what’s becoming my triannual colonoscopy exam. And I don’t know whether to celebrate with whiskey or by eating more oatmeal!

For an ol’ drunk, these tests are increasingly dreadful — They foretell the wickedness of my past ways!

Last time, Doc cut only four; I haven’t had any engagement since then in wild living! Not in decades, in fact. Yet, there were seven to ax this time!

And looking ahead to next time, the presumption on the wall — e.g., the connection of past alcohol abuse to colon cancer — is that I’ll have even more polyps! End of Life becomes a downward spiral because of it! Sheesh!

So, even as a 27-year recovering alcoholic now, the temptation is to pull the plug on a few bottles, and paint the town red. Why not?

See all the toilet paper!? There’s a direct link to it and that “fluid” in the jug in the other photo. Doc wants your colon “clean” before he inserts his/her magic camera. (Image courtesy of https://www.google.com/search

‘Cause…Damn, it’s an ordeal to prep for a colonoscopy!

Any excuse!

Any excuse!

And I’m outta here!

Hell, you know how drunks are!

I’m sure some of my ‘ol buddies will accuse me of being whiney for complaining about these tests, but just a quick photo rundown shows what’s in a colonoscopy prep on this.

Beginning with three small pills the morning before. Followed by glasses of liquid “go-go” juice throughout the day and evening! So your ol’ butt will be “squeaky clean” for your doctor’s inserted camera bright and early the next morning!

Anything, it seems — first and foremost — that requires a person to sacrifice an entire day to bathroom poops just for a doctor’s look-see should be against the law!

“Hell, put ’em in jail!” Jethro sezs. “That’s where they belong!”

But with family or friends, after you finish ranting — e.g., after it’s said and done — there’s always this, too:

Noemi, the love of my life!          

Noemi, your wife and the woman who takes care of everything in your life, was right there with you also, through the whole process, with one exception — the operation procedure itself. When you were “going under,” i.e., you heard a doctor say, “Ma’am, you’ll need to step outside for this, please!”

Hee, hee! And she was so happy to see you when it was finished, too!

We finally got us a marriage team now, Jethro! Life is great! And will be longer. We can even count the fence posts going by along the trail! Whooeee! God bless!

 

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4 thoughts on “7 Polyps on Colon Wall — Cut ‘Em Down; Back on Town

  1. I cringe at the thought of having these horrible test. Just the thought of someone sticking a camera up my butt is just wrong, plus how clean is that camera after being up someone else’s butt.

    • Squeaky clean, it’d be, I’d say! And yuck! Who else but a dyed-in-the-wool Bo-Deen would object to doctors playing butthole roulette with their patients, huh?! Are we uppity New Yorkers?! Doctors clean the camera lenses, of course. That’s the important thing. And with some people — ain’t naming no people here; we all have good friends, of course — doctors even have to switch to a wind-angle lens! To take in all the action, of course. This is highly dignified stuff, Littl’ Sis! As in T-e-x-a-s!

  2. Your article hits the spot (sorry about the pun)! I get colonoscopy exams about every 5 years and they are by far the worst exam to prepare for! You are right, you set aside almost a full day prepping for a 30 minute procedure. It seems like in years past I took a prescription medicine (liquid) and it had me flowing with minutes of taking it. You were squirting out clear liquid with in an hour or so. The new procedure takes so much longer. It is better this, than having colon cancer!

    • Good to hear from you, Jon! I think this doctor does it every 3 ’cause that’s what SS/Medicare allows. Saving a person from cancer is one thing, and making a little profit from it is something else. These doctors do ’em in multiple numbers, too. 10-15. I asked the nurse who was wheeling me to the car, “You do this every day?” “Yes,” she said. “Every day! And thankful for it!” Hee, hee! That puts another spin on “bottoms up!”

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