By Dan Bodine
Doctor cut seven polyps from my colon Wednesday in what’s becoming my triannual colonoscopy exam. And I don’t know whether to celebrate with whiskey or by eating more oatmeal!
For an ol’ drunk, these tests are increasingly dreadful — They foretell the wickedness of my past ways!
Last time, Doc cut only four; I haven’t had any engagement since then in wild living! Not in decades, in fact. Yet, there were seven to ax this time!
And looking ahead to next time, the presumption on the wall — e.g., the connection of past alcohol abuse to colon cancer — is that I’ll have even more polyps! End of Life becomes a downward spiral because of it! Sheesh!
So, even as a 27-year recovering alcoholic now, the temptation is to pull the plug on a few bottles, and paint the town red. Why not?
‘Cause…Damn, it’s an ordeal to prep for a colonoscopy!
And I’m outta here!
Hell, you know how drunks are!
I’m sure some of my ‘ol buddies will accuse me of being whiney for complaining about these tests, but just a quick photo rundown shows what’s in a colonoscopy prep on this.
Beginning with three small pills the morning before. Followed by glasses of liquid “go-go” juice throughout the day and evening! So your ol’ butt will be “squeaky clean” for your doctor’s inserted camera bright and early the next morning!
Anything, it seems — first and foremost — that requires a person to sacrifice an entire day to bathroom poops just for a doctor’s look-see should be against the law!
“Hell, put ’em in jail!” Jethro sezs. “That’s where they belong!”
But with family or friends, after you finish ranting — e.g., after it’s said and done — there’s always this, too:
Noemi, your wife and the woman who takes care of everything in your life, was right there with you also, through the whole process, with one exception — the operation procedure itself. When you were “going under,” i.e., you heard a doctor say, “Ma’am, you’ll need to step outside for this, please!”
Hee, hee! And she was so happy to see you when it was finished, too!
We finally got us a marriage team now, Jethro! Life is great! And will be longer. We can even count the fence posts going by along the trail! Whooeee! God bless!
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